She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
