just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
