All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
