WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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