I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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