Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
