Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
either way he was missing a nipple.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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