I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
