I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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