I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I need a beard to bite.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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