Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
