its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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