The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize