When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
