I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
