How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
