My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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