So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
