I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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