You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize