the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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