The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
