i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
