Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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