I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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