I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize