There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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