My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
