I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
NoShamevember. You game?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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