The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
