i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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