So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
