he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
