remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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