If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
