wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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