this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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