She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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