last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We have started to decorate penises.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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