me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
