apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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