ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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