my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize