Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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