My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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