I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
