I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
did i walk over a car last night?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
