I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize