I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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