the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
