my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My cat gives me a boner
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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