How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
