Jerry, you need to find god
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
