if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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