he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
