My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
