Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
