I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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