I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
