I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
