Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize