So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
