sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize