I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
